Happy Birthday Alexis!

Alexis Kaitlyn Hansen January 19,1999

Our lovely little Alexis has turned 10 years old today! I can hardly believe it. She was a little doll when she was born. She weighed 8lbs. 10 oz. and was 201/2 inches long. The most noticeable trait was she had the tiniest, reddest, lips I'd ever seen. She was the best baby and slept through the night before she was 4 weeks old.

Our first family trip to California, July of 1999. We had a blast showing our little girl the marine animals at Sea World. We stayed at a beach house in Newport and took our little one into the ocean for her first time.

Alexis' 1st birthday party. She loved food and so we thought for sure she would dig right into her cake, but no. She was dainty and took her time, but was the cutest little girl!

This was Alexis' 4th birthday at Jungle Jim's. She had a blast and her brother, Christian loved her party so much that later that year he had his own b-day party at Jungle Jim's too. She was so girly back then and now she is all about the sports.

Alexis was so happy to be 8 years old. She said she was such a big girl and she could now wear chapstick. She has always loved having chocolate cake. She's such a great big sister and wonderful example. This was a very importand b-day to her, because she knew she was going to be baptized. It's all she had been looking forward to all year. I couldn't believe I had an 8 yr. old daughter and now she's 10!

And now here is my wonderful, adorable, very-grown up 10 year old daughter. I can't believe it! I still remember bringing her home from the hospital and wondering what now. Oh how time flies when you are having fun. She has grown into a very loving, caring, admirable girl. I take great pride in calling her my daughter. I love her very much and hope she continues to do great and wonderful things in her life.

Toddlers say and think the cutest things!

I stay at home with my youngest three kids and have a blast everyday with what they say and do. My lovely Laney, who is very excited to start school, declared today that when she grows up at the ripe old age of 6 she is going to be a princess. She said she will have cake and punch everyday and play and learn new stuff. I think she thinks school will be just fun and games. She is so excited to start in July that she went through her dress-ups and pulled out a crown, wand, shoes, and a pink gown and declared this is what I'm wearing my first day. How cute! I could barely stop laughing, as I told her she needed to wear real clothes, not dress-ups.

After Laney had declared she was going to be a princess my adorable Logan said he was going to be a train. The boy is obsessed with trains. I told him he couldn't be a train, but he could drive one. So for the rest of the morning all he did was "drive" his trains around making choo-choo sounds. Little kids really are life's joy and blessings. They keep me laughing every day, even the bad days.

Now Noah doesn't talk much yet, but he is the funniest little baby ever. He is always happy and smiling. I'm sad to say this, but he is now walking very well. They just grow up so fast. He's been attempting the whole walking thing for almost 3 months now, but he would just start to crawl again after a couple of steps. Now, however, he walks any chance he gets. It's quite funny. He looks like Frankenstein when he walked. Noah just takes these heavy steps as he walks, until he gets excited and then he tries to run, but ends up falling down. He laughs at funny moments in movies or cartoons and loves animals. He barks like a dog and can make monkey noises. It's just the cutest thing I've ever heard. I know I'm his mom so of course I think he is the cutest little guy out there, but Hey I'm allowed to I'm his mom.

I enjoyed having Alexis, Christian and Kaleigh home too, but it's fun watching the girls blossom and learn so much at school. I enjoy when they come home and tell me about their day and what they learned. I believe I have the best job and role in life a person could have-I'm mom! What a wonderful time toddlerhood is. Although I love all stages of development. It's fun to see your children grow and learn new things.

Broken Open

Christian Eric Hansen 6/12/2000 - 2/7/2005

As I am having trouble today with sadness and my cold I turned on Oprah to see what was on today. It's a show about spirituality and my first instinct is to turn it off, but then I get the feeling I should watch. There's an author who wrote a book called Broken Open talking about how tragedy can break you open and you can gain your sense of spirituality.

I am sitting on my couch crying because the anniversary of our son's passing is less than a month away and both my husband and I are having trouble staying afloat these days. I listen to this couple who lost their son in a motorcycle accident 9 years ago talk about how they didn't know how to handle or cope with grief. I know this feeling well, a little too well these days. I realize as this couple tells their story I have done these oh so wrong and just don't know how to be any different. When grief hits you either look down at despair or look up to hope. Unfortunately I believe I looked down to despair. I tried the hope, but I just couldn't get there. I have been angry, sad and consumed in grief to where I can't even say I am living in grief anymore. I believe I have been letting myself die in the grief. I go through the motions of life for my children, but not for myself. I miss my son every second of everyday and wish to God it had been me. I could have survived the thought and reality of missing life with my kids if I died, but never did I imagine living without my son. That's where my story is. I am not living without my son, I let myself die when we buried him. He was only 4 years old, and no parent should ever have to lose a child.

I tried to put a brave, now I know a fake, face on for all those around me. It has changed me forever, but I know as of today I need to not let his death cause mine or my life with our other children. It is a struggle everyday to find some kind of joy and help my children deal with their own hurt. They ask Santa for no toys, but for time with their brother. They wonder why he can't come back, why it had to be him, how do they be happy without their brother, and the most sad one from my youngest daughter: can I please go to heaven to hug him and tell him I love him. When my answer is no, she cries and says when can she go because he is her best buddy.

It has been a long, hard struggle these past soon to be 4 years. Friends, family, neighbors trying their hardest to say they understand, but none of them really do. Time they say and think is what we need and it will get better. I finally know that it will never get better, it will just get different. We will always miss him, love him, and wish we could see the boy he grows into and the man he would have been. He was mommy's boy and our Mr. C. He was Alexis' best friend, Kaleigh's protector, and Laney's buddy. I believe he would have loved having two brothers. He loved his sisters so much and always put them first. I believe he still protects them from beyond and loves us all.

I am going to try and let this year finally get better for all of us. I know we will still always have bad days, but I want to try and live and not get swallowed by the grief. It still feels as if it just happend yesterday, which I'm sure it still will for a long time, but I want to try and hope that it will get better. Eric and I have grown together so much. We have experienced more in our 11 year marriage than most marriages ever see. I am very blessed to have him in my life and that we have each other through all of the hard stuff. We are each others' rocks and salvation in our deepest grieving days. I believe I would not be here without his love and understanding. We both have bad days together and both know where the other one is coming from and know the grief we walk in.

We love Christian Eric Hansen and miss him dearly. We hope to LIVE well and happy again. I believe today that I have indeed been broken open and I can see hope I just need to reach for it a little more and realize I am still his mother with or without him here. I am glad for that knowledge I have. I am very grateful for Eternal Families, I just wish I had him now. He is our joy and our love forever. We miss you deeply. He loved Peter Pan and now he can fly, really fly, all he wants to.

The countdown has begun!

We have finally found out the exact date of the ultrasound. It actually turned out to be later than we were hoping for, due to the office being closed. We now will know what the baby is on January 22nd. I'm so excited, but it's no fun having to wait a week longer than I wanted to. Oh well, what are you going to do. It will be nice to know so I can stop calling the baby he and finally know if it's a he or she. I confuse my poor kiddies with referring to the baby as a he. They think that is what the baby is. I just always think he until I know for sure. Eric and most of the kids think it's a boy, but my little Laney is determined the baby is a girl. It should be interesting to see if we end up with more boys or more girls. Wish us luck that the baby is healthy and strong!