We LOVE you our dear angel boy Christian!
Today was a dreary day in our house for it marked the five year anniversary since we lost our sweet boy, Christian. We miss him dearly and it is agonizing each and every day with thoughts of what he would be doing and be like, what our family would be like, and how much fuller life would seem with him in it. It has been an excruciating five years without him even with our little lovely additions to our family. We miss him and wish we were together. Every February 7th since his passing our little bunch have done something together to remember him and enjoy each other's company. Eventhough it fell on a Sunday this year we still honored our boy and enjoyed some family time.
Every year we try to get up to his grave and leave some flowers and release balloons to him. I am horrible, because it has been a year since I last went up there. I can't bring myself to go, it is just way too painful and reality always sets in a little more that he truly is gone, he truly did exist and I truly did lose my little boy! I HATE it! I HATE the pain it brings and the pain I must endure throughout the rest of my life. It is so wrong and I can't undo it. I put on a brave little face for these adorable children and help them to remember Christian(not that they have ever forgotten him)is watching them and loves them. They enjoy sending him balloons and we watch as they float up and away to him. They said goodbye to him and sent their love to him. Laney is getting to Alexis and Kaleigh's stage where she is having a hard time talking about him without getting upset. She has banned them from mentioning the C word(Christian) in the house. It's a lot for these little ones to have to deal with and as they get older I only hope it won't hurt them as much. Who knows, people like to tell me it will get better with time, but time has only made the hurt more painful!
We had corndogs for lunch in honor of Christian. When he was sick during his treatment they told us he wouldn't eat much, but the little guy packed away 5 corndogs in one sitting. To say the least all the nurses in the hospital were quite surprised. He always did love his corndogs and hot dogs. We like to remember that about Christian. He always surprised people with what he could do and what he could endure. He was and is my little miracle boy! He held out longer than any other kid with his diagnosis, pure miracle and determination on his part!
We took a picture of Bella near her brother's grave so she has something of him in her baby book. They share a birthday month and are very much alike in personality. She smiles a ton just like he did, she has a problem with sleeping just like he did, but she loves to be awake just like Mr. C as a baby. She also has the same rash on her cheeks and chin like Christian. So many similarities it's frightening.
These are our 8 balloons that we let go to Christian to send our love to him. They took off very quickly and were out of view just as fast! We like to think he knew they were his and he was taking them as fast as he could. We love our dear son and hope to have him in our arms again one day hopefully soon and not too, too long. We love you Christian Eric!
