Monday, March 14, 2011

Trial of Accepting God's Love

We have all been through our own trials in this life. Some are small, some are big. Some we overcome and some we feel we will never be able to bear. I have experience all of these kinds of trial and although I thought I experienced an unbearable trial of losing my son, I have come to understand my real big trial is not this. My unbearable trial is accepting God's love and knowing that He does everything with a reason. I may not understand this now, but through His love and His plan for my life I will some day. I use to think and feel He had it in for me. I have battled this feeling for some years, especially as of late. I couldn't imagine that He actually loved me and listened to me until this past month. I felt that all my trials and troubles were because I had done something wrong, didn't have enough faith, wasn't strong enough. I was lost and blind to what He actually was trying to teach me. Faith is a fragile thing when you do not exercise it fully. Sometimes it's easy to say you have faith, but when it needs to be put into play, it may be a hard thing to do. I have been this person. I believe strongly everything the missionaries taught me. I know I'm a daughter of God, I know that our families can be together forever, I know that my Savior suffered for me personally, I know that I have been blessed immensely, and I know that my Heavenly Father gave me the Holy Ghost to give me comfort whenever I need it. What I have struggles with is knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and hears my prayers always unconditionally. I struggled with this a ton when we were losing Christian. All I felt was He was not listening to my aching heart. He wasn't making the cancer go away. He only listened when I turned my will over to His and begged to take my sweet Christian away so he would not be in pain anymore. I again struggled when I lost my parents through divorce and in the end any relationship with my mother. I struggled when I begged to not lose another baby this past month. It's a hard thing to do, turning my will over to God's will. I prayed to let the baby stay and grow in me, but I also finally came to a point where I realized maybe it wasn't in God's will to keep the baby. In the end it was the case. We discovered at 9 weeks that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and I officially lost the baby 2 weeks later. Not an easy thing to do, but through this past experience I learned a GREAT deal of just HOW much my Heavenly Father really does love me. I had to actually take a medicine to get rid of the baby, due to my body just did not want to let go. It was painful both physically and emotionally, but I prayed so hard that I literally was brought to my knees sobbing, that this would go quickly and my body would be able to bounce back quickly. Well, through the power of prayer, this is exactly what happened. Instead of waiting 2 weeks for the miscarriage to take it's course, it happened within 24 hours of my shot. I also bounced back quickly and although I miss our baby and what would have been I know that God loves me and this too shall pass. This last trial of mine, although it wasn't like losing Christian it was at the same time as when I lost Christian. The two combined brought me down to a horror of a low level and I believe I only made it through by the grace of God. I now know that God does not give us our trials because we've done something wrong or as a way of punishment. I believe that He actually gives them to us to not only make us stronger, but as a way of showing us His love for us. I know that this will always be my trial, to remember He does love me and always will. He knows what's best for me and how to make me stronger. He gives me my trials and challenges in this life because He loves me and wants me to come back to Him someday. He wants us all to return to Him. We are His sons and daughters. He wants us all to live with Him eternally and it is through the trials we face that He shows his love for us and helps us come closer to living eternally with Him.