Monday, January 31, 2011

Another peek inside of me

So, everyone has tough times in their lives, I know this. But when it's your turn for a tough time you feel as though no one has ever felt the pain you do. I am here in this hole and it was only after looking at the hub's eyes and actually hearing his words that I'm able to put our life back in the right perspective. You see, I cry, A LOT, these days and the poor hubs try as he might, has not been able to help me stop. It's a roaring rollercoaster here and I really wanted off, but didn't know how to get off, until I looked into the hubs ever-loving, concerning, worried eyes this morning. He told me to remember before things get too bad that there are others to talk to. I told him I would NEVER, EVER doing anything harmful to myself or anyone else, I know what awfulness that would bring from past personal experiences. I would always be here for my family and kiddos. To which he clearly, and very profoundly stated, "you need to be more than just "here" though." A wise man I married, I tell you. I sat with those words for a bit and thought about the harm I was doing without even knowing it. I need to be more than just "here." I need to be present and alive. I don't like my circumstance I'm in, but only time and God can heal my wounds and let me move on happily. Eventhough the hubs doesn't believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I do, and I need to put my trust in God's hands and believe He does NOT have it in for me. Oh me of little faith, I know. I feel I am letting myself down and my faith has been shaken quite a bit over the past few months, but I'm still learning day by day how to strengthen my faith and not let it quiver. Not having gone to church my whole life, the trust and faith with God has gotten built up slower than most LDS people, but I'm working on it. God does love me and sometimes(even a lot more for some), bad things just happen to good people. It's a jungle and a trial, this so-called life, but sometimes, it's the GRANDEST time! I have a lot of great things in my life, but in the throws of despair, I forget a lot of the best things I have. I'm glad I have the hubs to pull me up when I'm down, and remind me all is not lost and this too, shall pass. He's the best friend a girl could ever have, and I'm glad he chose me to spend all eternity with. When he's down, I pick him up, when I'm down, he's right there to help me up. We work as a team, and it's the best feeling in the world! We've been through a lot together, and I'm sure there will be more hard times along the way, but as long as we've got eachother and remember we have God on our side too(I need to remember this more than he does)we can enjoy our ride on the up/down rollercoaster of life. God is good. God is love. God is Grand!

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