Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Broken Open

Christian Eric Hansen 6/12/2000 - 2/7/2005

As I am having trouble today with sadness and my cold I turned on Oprah to see what was on today. It's a show about spirituality and my first instinct is to turn it off, but then I get the feeling I should watch. There's an author who wrote a book called Broken Open talking about how tragedy can break you open and you can gain your sense of spirituality.

I am sitting on my couch crying because the anniversary of our son's passing is less than a month away and both my husband and I are having trouble staying afloat these days. I listen to this couple who lost their son in a motorcycle accident 9 years ago talk about how they didn't know how to handle or cope with grief. I know this feeling well, a little too well these days. I realize as this couple tells their story I have done these oh so wrong and just don't know how to be any different. When grief hits you either look down at despair or look up to hope. Unfortunately I believe I looked down to despair. I tried the hope, but I just couldn't get there. I have been angry, sad and consumed in grief to where I can't even say I am living in grief anymore. I believe I have been letting myself die in the grief. I go through the motions of life for my children, but not for myself. I miss my son every second of everyday and wish to God it had been me. I could have survived the thought and reality of missing life with my kids if I died, but never did I imagine living without my son. That's where my story is. I am not living without my son, I let myself die when we buried him. He was only 4 years old, and no parent should ever have to lose a child.

I tried to put a brave, now I know a fake, face on for all those around me. It has changed me forever, but I know as of today I need to not let his death cause mine or my life with our other children. It is a struggle everyday to find some kind of joy and help my children deal with their own hurt. They ask Santa for no toys, but for time with their brother. They wonder why he can't come back, why it had to be him, how do they be happy without their brother, and the most sad one from my youngest daughter: can I please go to heaven to hug him and tell him I love him. When my answer is no, she cries and says when can she go because he is her best buddy.

It has been a long, hard struggle these past soon to be 4 years. Friends, family, neighbors trying their hardest to say they understand, but none of them really do. Time they say and think is what we need and it will get better. I finally know that it will never get better, it will just get different. We will always miss him, love him, and wish we could see the boy he grows into and the man he would have been. He was mommy's boy and our Mr. C. He was Alexis' best friend, Kaleigh's protector, and Laney's buddy. I believe he would have loved having two brothers. He loved his sisters so much and always put them first. I believe he still protects them from beyond and loves us all.

I am going to try and let this year finally get better for all of us. I know we will still always have bad days, but I want to try and live and not get swallowed by the grief. It still feels as if it just happend yesterday, which I'm sure it still will for a long time, but I want to try and hope that it will get better. Eric and I have grown together so much. We have experienced more in our 11 year marriage than most marriages ever see. I am very blessed to have him in my life and that we have each other through all of the hard stuff. We are each others' rocks and salvation in our deepest grieving days. I believe I would not be here without his love and understanding. We both have bad days together and both know where the other one is coming from and know the grief we walk in.

We love Christian Eric Hansen and miss him dearly. We hope to LIVE well and happy again. I believe today that I have indeed been broken open and I can see hope I just need to reach for it a little more and realize I am still his mother with or without him here. I am glad for that knowledge I have. I am very grateful for Eternal Families, I just wish I had him now. He is our joy and our love forever. We miss you deeply. He loved Peter Pan and now he can fly, really fly, all he wants to.

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