Saturday, August 22, 2009

When a child dies

So, it's been a hard month for our family. Really, all our months are hard, but some are harder than others and this would be one of them. It's been 6 years since Christian was first diagnosed with Neuroblastoma and 4 1/2 years since he passed away. It isn't getting any easier for us, in fact it seems to be getting worse. The kids are older and asking more questions and feeling the weight of the reality of it all. They cry, get mad, and then cry some more with the unfairness they feel of it all. They want him back and don't understand why he can't come back. Even the ones that came after him. Logan sees pictures of him and says my brother back. Poor kid.
This past month Laney began kindergarten, something her brother never got the chance to. It's significant to us, because she was born 2 months after he first got sick so it's difficult to see her growing up and doing things he didn't. Kaleigh will also be turning 8 tomorrow and getting baptized in 2 weeks which is hard because it's out of order. Her brother should have been before she reached this milestone. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my kids and their milestones and events, but they also hit a sore part with us. We are constantly reminded of Christian's abscence and it hurts like hell. People don't understand this and think well we've had plenty of time to grieve so get over it. Harder said than done. It's hard to get up in the morning without him and hard to go to sleep for fear of nightmares full of guilt and pain. We are doing the best we can, but apparently its not enough for some. We get pushed and lectured to get over it, be there for your kids, get over the anger with God, do your church duties and be happy you live a charmed life now. It's extremly frustrating and irritating to have people doing this, especially when it is family. Eric and I are doing our best with the awful hand we have been dealt with. We are there for our kids and try our hardest to do our church duties and deal with our internal issues with the anger we feel. We have had a very hard marriage from the get go and its amazing we have not only survived it all, but we have grown closer and stronger. We constantly get comments on how to live and be grateful we have a great life. I want to yell at all of these people to just shut up and butt out of our life, you don't know how it is day to day. You don't know about half the crap we live with and have lived with in the past. We are grateful for what we have and our wonderful, beautiful 7 children, but we also deeply and sadly miss our eldest son. It is not easy, but we are doing our best. So please, if you have a comment or lecture about us not doing all that we are suppose to be doing-please keep it to yourself! I know harsh, but its getting tiresome and making us angry. Sorry for the long post, but its been an awful day today.

1 comment:

  1. Love the new picture you posted. I left a comment before, but it looks like it's gone, so in case it erased it or something, I'll say it again. After reading this post I wanted to thank you for sharing such truthful feelings. Jer and I have always, and will forever look up to you and Eric as a couple and parents. May you be blessed with the peace and comfort you deserve as this time.