Thursday, October 22, 2009

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Moment

So, Eric and I have been wondering if it's possible that at times I have suffered PTSD moments when getting upset over Christian matters. This week I truly know I have PTSD when it considers the huge ordeal with Christian. I had to go and get a scan to try and determine a medical condition or at least try to solve it. I went to the hospital by myself already a little stressed and nervous only to find out that my scan was in the nuclear medicine department. I had to lay under this scanner pressed up against my abdomen for 1 1/2 hours. In the middle of it I started shaking and freaking out in my head trying to hold back tears as they filled my eyes.
The last time I was in the nuclear med. dept. was with Christian when he was getting his scan and he stopped breathing. I was by myself with him and it was chaos for a few minutes trying to give him more oxygen and monitoring him and the tech. trying to get him stable. I felt like I was right back there in that moment, only now the scan was for me. It's been a tough week and still no final answers on what the trouble is. All I can think about is how hard it has been without Christian, how hard it was with him going through all that he did-seeing him deteriate over his last month, explaining it to the kids over and over trying to make them understand he can't come back no matter what, and now dealing with my own medical problems makes me just throw up my hands and say alright isn't this enough, but come on I'm strong and I'll take what you give me and try and deal with it. As stressful as the week has been without any definate answers nothing will ever be as hard as battling for Christian and losing him. I now know that one can have PTSD when dealing with grief and this has been very hard for me-yet another trial for me to try and overcome, but I have to make myself remember the good with Christian to take me out of those moments. It's a struggle that I know I'll have for awhile, but there will be a time when memories of his battle won't make me come uncompletely done. It's as if I am experiencing the loss, pain, fear, and begging for his life all over again. It takes me right back to the exact feeling and event. It's a very strange feeling kinda like an out of body experience. I just can't explain it, but it's very scary sometimes. I only hope that times will get better and that my medical problems will be simple and cleard up quickly. Not knowing is very frightening-for me and Eric as well. Once we know what is going on (good or bad) things will be better.

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