Okay, just a little warning upfront- this is my tiny lit'l whining episode so if you don't want to hear it leave this blog now!
I am having a hard time coming up with things to honestly be thankful for and fully feel them. I know-we live in a house, the kids(most of them)are healthy, Eric still has a job, and I'm not dying, BUT it's that time of year again where I can't stop thinking and longing, and agonizing over Christian. I feel like I don't deserve to be here because I let my son die. I know not intentionally, but I didn't fight hard enough, pray enough, and have faith enough to make him live. It kills-a mother should fight tooth and nail for her kids and I told him it was okay to let go. What kind of mother does that- Not a good one! I ABSOLUTELY HATE the holiday season now. I put on a good face for my other kids and try to enjoy them enjoying the holidays as much as they can(it is hard for them too), but I wish I could just be happy and not let the pain rule my life. Christmas is hard,due to the anger I have with God not helping and healing my son. I know it wasn't HIS plan, but MY plan was to raise all my children.
This year is harder because times are tough all around, still trying to figure out what is going on with me health wise(getting freaked out by doctors all the time), battling some depression and LOTS of anger at the cards I've been dealt my whole life, and really hating not having a mom or sisters to help and talk to. It sucks being an only child and one who doesn't have a mother in her life. Be grateful those of you who do have moms and sisters as support systems, it really is hard being on your own. I love my dad and we are very close, but there are still some things a girl needs her mom for and would love to have sisters for. I am glad at least my daughters will have each other to grow up with and lean on one another. They are already pretty good at this.
So life will get better, right? Well here's hoping to a better year. As far as feeling thankful, I do feel thankful that Eric and I are still together and fighting to keep our heads above water, raising our kids, loving each other, and hoping to heal our pain. I just want to feel thankful without the guilt and pain over Christian always bringing me down and making me want to give up and throw in the towel. I know I can't(I have 6 other little ones depending on me), but it doesn't take the desire to do so go away. Whining is now done-good night!
Jane and Hannah
8 hours ago